My First Official Senior Moment and It’s Pretty Crappy

crappy-letterOK, I just turned the half-century mark a few days ago. I was ready for it, thanks to the good old folks at the AARP who began barraging me with junk mail the day I turned 45. But I got something in the mail today that hit me a little bit harder. My Fecal Occult Blood Testing kit finally came in – unsolicited mind you – from the good folks at my HMO.

Really? Seriously? They want me to actually do this? Yecch!

I’m sorry. I just can’t. Maybe it’s because my mail lady lives three doors down from me. Maybe it’s left over trauma from the anthrax mailing scare of not so very long ago.  I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem…right.  And then there’s this ‘occult’ business.  What’s up with that?  I had no idea this kind of….shit?… was traveling through the mail system.  Someone needs to investigate this.

Thank God for self adhesive envelopes and stamps. Jeesh!


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  1. #1 by seekhispurpose on February 8, 2009 - 7:54 pm

    Okay, okay, no need to freak. Did you never change a diaper? Somewhere midway through the second kid (there are three total) I realized body fluids had totally lost their gross-out factor.

    My doctor would be happy to tell you how many fewer cases of colon cancer he treats these days because of these tests and colonoscopies (which I’ve had and it ain’t that bad).

    And even though I’m pushing that half-century mark pretty hard, I console myself with the fact that when I turned 46, I had lived exactly twice as long as my brother, who died of testicular cancer at 23. Would he still be alive if he hadn’t been too embarrassed to talk about a lump he shouldn’t have had?

    No s–t . . . take the test. Just mail it from an undisclosed post office box.

  2. #2 by Christian Beyer on February 8, 2009 - 9:28 pm

    Ahh. Good points.

    So sorry about your brother. I’ll bet that was some time ago (well, you’ve already pretty much said that). My father’s a urologist. It was a little over 30 years ago when they finally came up with successful treatments for testicular cancer. Prior to that there was a 90% mortality rate, now there is a 90% success rate. I remember another urologist handed my dad some x-rays and asked him what he thought. My dad shook his head, said it didn’t look good. It was the other urologists son. My dad tried the new somewhat experimental treatment and that fellow is still alive today.

    About three years ago my son had a painful bump on one of his testicles and he had it for some time before he told me. Boy was I sweating bullets. Turned out it was nothing.

    You’re right. I’ll take the test. Thanks.

  3. #3 by Christian Beyer on February 8, 2009 - 9:30 pm

    I stopped changing diapers when my kids began to eat human food. OK, well maybe not completely. But my daughter says she sort of remembers the funny thing on my face. A red bandanna soaked in Old Spice. I didn’t know about Vicks above the lip then.

  4. #4 by Christian Beyer on February 8, 2009 - 9:31 pm

    Hey Buddha. Almost missed you. Thanks for stopping by but you could’ve picked a more ‘spiritual’ post. I’ll check you your blog ASAP.

  5. #5 by logiopsychopathivorytowerdweller on February 9, 2009 - 1:29 pm

    Take the time to take the test.

  6. #6 by logiopsychopath on February 9, 2009 - 5:56 pm

    Now coming to you live from a Genuine Ivory Tower . . .

    No comment, just thought I’d let you know.

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