The Simple Faith of Jack Handey

I’ve always found the thoughts and writings of Jack Handey to be very inspirational. He has such a simple way of approaching life; he really makes you stop and think. I’ve chosen some of my favorites sayings of his, those having to do with spirituality and God. I hope you enjoy them.

“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting”

“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did.'”

“My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth – that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally – but I didn’t want to upset him.”

“Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.”

“We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”

“The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, ‘Go ahead and do whatever you want, it’s okay by me.'”

“Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words—‘mank’ and ‘ind’. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.”

“I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.”

“I don’t think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.”

“A quiz: If I am my brother’s keeper, who am I? (Answer: me.)”

“It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”

“When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”

“It’s fascinating to think that all around us there’s an invisible world we can’t even see. I’m speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.”

“If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it’s some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!”

“I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'”

“I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.”

“I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.”

“It’s interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.”

“Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.”

“When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, ‘No speaka English.'”

“When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can’t think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.”

“Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It’s simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.”



  1. #1 by nate on October 15, 2008 - 9:58 pm

    SNL started sucking the day they cut Deep Thoughts. I see you are a Borg fan…

  2. #2 by Christian Beyer on October 16, 2008 - 6:29 am

    Yeah. I agree.

    Do you think Borg and Handey are kindred spirits? I know some who might think so. 🙂

  3. #3 by logiopsychopathivorytowerdweller on October 16, 2008 - 11:28 am

    Blasphemy. Pie Heaven.

  4. #4 by logiopsychopathivorytowerdweller on October 16, 2008 - 11:28 am

    Maybe cake heaven, but definitely not pie heaven.

  5. #5 by logiopsychopathivorytowerdweller on October 16, 2008 - 11:29 am


  6. #6 by ric booth on October 17, 2008 - 9:53 am


    But Borg fan? How did Nate conclude that? Nate?

  7. #7 by Christian Beyer on October 17, 2008 - 12:21 pm

    He saw this book right over to the left of this comment, Sherlock. And remember; it is Marcus Borg, not collective of cyborgs known as THE Borg. Though I like them too, just not their theology.

    Come to think of it, “Assimilate or die” sounds an awful like what some people call evangelism.

  8. #8 by ric booth on October 17, 2008 - 3:23 pm

    Oh look at THAT! You just rearrange your page so that Borg’s book now lines up with my comment, didn’t you??

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