Ten Ways Evangelicals can Save on Energy

(Disclaimer: this is an attempt at humor so please take it in that vein.)

The American Family Association thinks it has come up with the perfect solution for America’s current energy ‘crisis’: American Solutions for Winning the Future. But Evangelicals can go even farther if we want to realize immediate energy savings. Here are just a few suggestions:

  • Hold this summer’s Vacation Bible School in the frozen food section of Safeway.
  • Switch to a more energy-wise denomination; give the Amish or Mennonites a try. Maybe even the Orthodox Jews.
  • Schedule the next Harry Potter book burning for one of the colder months of the year.
  • Insist that Televangelists take AmTrak and ground their Lear Jets. Have your pastor trade in his Escalade for a Hyundai Accent.
  • Replace your praise band’s electric instruments with kazoos and mandolins. Then cut the power to their microphones, they won’t need them with kazoos. Oh, and cut the pastor’s mike while your at it (or at least put a 10 minute timer on it)).
  • Instead of going all the way into the city to hand out Bible tracts visit the Catholic church on the next block and catch ’em on the way out of Mass.
  • At the next pot luck dinner, have your pastor whip up some fire and brimstone instead of using inefficient electric hot plates. Stop serving all that fried chicken, mashed potatoes, tuna casseroles, Jello molds , fudge brownies and sweet-tea to help bring the congregation’s weight down. Try spa cuisine instead. Remember: lighter vehicle occupants means extra fuel savings!
  • Charge applicable youth group members an over-weight penalty before loading up the church van. (See previous suggestion)
  • Remove all those stickers and Christian-fish from the car. They add weight as well as increase drag. And remember: Road Rage wastes gas, too.
  • If Jesus is your co-pilot, make him get out and walk. With all the weight he’s carrying that’s gotta save a buck or two at the pump!

P.S. I’d heard that if you want to increase your blog traffic you need to post some lists. So here’s a list. I also heard that if you want to increase your comment traffic it helps to annoy. So here’s me being annoying. With a list. Have mercy.

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  1. #1 by logiopath on July 29, 2008 - 2:35 pm

    Hey–My brother was a fan of old VEEDUBs. He had Karhman Ghias, Bugs, and Vans.

  2. #2 by Christian Beyer on July 29, 2008 - 3:48 pm

    The old hippy love bus, eh? It seems like a good fit but I don’t know how happy the HRC crowd would be with that.

    Anyway, I think he would drive a Honda, because the Apostles were all of one Accord.

    And while we’re on the subject, he might just want to go shopping here:
    http://biblecars.com/

  3. #3 by logiopath on July 29, 2008 - 6:42 pm

    OOOOOOH. Used that joke with children’s ministry–and don’t forget Solomon–he drove a German sports car–you know, Solomon’s Porch.

  4. #4 by Christian Beyer on July 30, 2008 - 10:05 am

    From “If Jesus Drove a Motorhome” by Jim White:

    If Jesus drove a motor home, I wonder would he drive pedal to the metal, or real slow? Checking out the stereo. Cassette
    playing Bob Dylan, motivation tapes. Tricked up Winnebago, with the tie-dye drapes. If Jesus drove a motor home… If Jesus
    drove a motor home, and he come to your town, would you try to talk to him? Would you follow him around? Honking horns at
    the drive thru. Double-parking at the mall. Midnight at the Waffle House – Jesus eating eggs with ya’ll. If Jesus drove a
    motor home… Buddha on a motorcycle, Mohammed in a train. Here come Jesus in the passing lane… but everybody smile, ’cause
    everybody’s grooving. Ain’t nothing like the feeling of moving with a bona fide motorized savior. Now if we all drove
    motor homes, well maybe in the end, with no country to die for, we could just be friends. One world as our highway. Ain’t
    no yours or my way. We’d be cool wherever we roam – if Jesus drove a motor home.

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