New York, 1952
“Hello friends, I’m your Vitameatavegamin girl.
Are you tired, run – down, listless?
Do you poop out at parties?
Are you unpopular?
The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle. VITAMEATAVEGAMIN.
Vitameatavegamin contains Vitamins, Meat, Vegetables, and Minerals.
Yes, with Vitameatavegamin, you can spoon your way to health. All you do is take a great big tablespoonful after every meal. Mmmmmm…. It’s so tasty, too! Tastes just like candy!
So why don’t you join all the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitameatavegamin tomorrow!
Thats Vita-meata-vegamin! “(wink)
“Step right up, ladies and gents. What I have in this little bottle will take care of whatever ails you. Be it lumbago, impetigo, vitiglio or vertigo, Dr. Jax’s Oil will do the job. If you suffer from appendicitis, colitis, bronchitis, encephilitis, meningitis, tonsillitise, mellitis, hepatitis, tendinitis or bursitis you’re prayers have been answered. Dr. Jax is here.
“Sick and tired of anemia, tularemia, bulemia and schizophrenia? Say, no more – I’ve got your ticket. Anyone out there stricken with athetosis, ketosis, salmonellosis, atherosclerosis, brucellosis, listeriosis, shigellosis or halitosis? Dr. Jax is your new best friend.”
“If you have arthritis, autism, anthrax or asthma then don’t wait any longer. Relief can be yours with a visit from Dr. Jax. From cholera to the common cold to the heart break of psoriasis, there ain’t nothin’ Dr. Jax’s little elixir can’t fix. Throw everything else out of your medicine chest. All you need is Dr. Jax. And right now, if you buy two bottles of Dr. Jax you’ll get the third one free!”
“Hello, this is Evangel Lines, can you hold please?”
“Hi, thanks for holding. What’s your problem? Alcoholism? Sure, we’ve got the prescription. You just need Jesus. Thanks, bye.”
“Hello, thanks for holding. What can we do for you? You say you’re anorexic? Poor thing. Just call on Jesus. Bye.”
“Hi, you’ve reached Evangel Lines, how can we help you? Depression? And sleep disorder ?And anxiety? And OCD? Wow, that’s quite a load you’ve got there. And no health insurance either? No problem honey, Jesus can handle it. Just call on him. We’re all prayin’ for you. Bye.”
“Evangel Lines. Whoa, hold on there babalooey. Take it easy. What’s your problem? Oh, drugs. Oh, your kid has the problem with drugs. Just tell him to call us. He won’t? Well, tell you what, that’s OK. If he won’t talk to us then you can tell him what he needs. Jesus. You say you already told him that? Well, what happened, did he call on Jesus? He did? And you say it isn’t working, he’s still hooked on drugs? Well, he must not have done it right. Tell him to keep on tryin’. Jesus will hear him, but it might be in God’s time, not yours. What’s that? You say he needs help now, that the gangs are gettin’ to him, too much peer pressure? Tell him to start readin’ the Bible then, that always helps. What, he can’t read either? Sheesh! Well…just tell him that he needs to have more faith. Faith in Jesus. Keep callin’ on Jesus’ name and the faith will come. That’s right, honey. Jesus is all he needs. Anyway, the phone’s are ringin’ off the hook. Gotta run. Bye!”