Spare the Rod - You May as Well Make the Best of Things
Proverbs 22:6 says; “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” (Really?)
Sure sounds like good advice - after all who could find fault with that. My children were both raised out of the church, having been baptized as Methodists at the ages of 13 and 14 respectively. Like most parents with adolescent children we’ve had our share of trials. We’ve occasionally wondered at how much more peaceful it could have been for the four of us if we had raised our children in the ways of God from an early age. But I wonder if things would have been too much different.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe that our whole family is now much better off spiritually, physically and psychologically since we have Christ in our lives. Who wouldn’t be? But does religious life in general prove this Proverbial maxim?
I have friends with great faith and they and their spouses have done wonderful jobs in creating homes that are full of the joy of the Gospels. They have been diligent in instilling that combination of fear of, and love for, God that most Christian authorities (at least the ones on the radio) say is essential for their spiritual well being. This way also has included fair doses of corporal punishment (also touted on the radio quite a bit). However, more than a few of these friends have experienced the same troubles with their teenagers that secular parents have had to contend with; alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, pregnancy, rebelliousness…
Should we expect any different, really? Many of my friends have expressed frustration; where did they go wrong? It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. But look at the stories in the Bible and we can see that it didn’t always work for those folk either. Take David for instance; a great leader of his people and a man totally devoted to the Lord. He certainly was raised to be a good Jew and I am sure that God was no stranger to his family’s household. Yet he became an adulterer and murderer.
I think that where the Bible really comes in handy as we raise our children is in how we learn to forgive. As for me, forgiveness is so closely tied to repentance. Not my children’s repentance, but mine. Because it is when I remember the things that I did when I was their age is when I can most easily forgive them….for driving me nuts!
July 26, 2007 at 4:38 pm
Isn’t there also an Old Testament passage which commands that children that disobey their parents get put to death?
July 26, 2007 at 5:34 pm
There sure is; Exodus 21:17 and Leviticus 20:9, both accounts of the same command. But before we start to draw unnecessary conclusions from these verses we have to remind ourselves that Exodus and Leviticus are accounts of a very primitive even barbaric (by our standards) people taking the first steps towards being self governing.
These aren’t (IMHO) necessarily the words of God being directed towards the Jews but a description of how the early Jewish people tried to bring God into these early attempts at law making. There were some very harsh punishments laid out for a people that could (and would) easily lapse into some horrific pagan activities.
Not that I would agree with the punishment, but then again I am not a member of nomadic band of people, ex-slaves, trying to scrape out a nation in a dessert. By the same token, these rules do not apply to us today.
To curse one’s parents meant much more to those people, and was much more dangerous to the thin fabric of that society than when my daughter says “I hate you, Dad”. (Although at times I have felt like killing her.)
July 26, 2007 at 5:38 pm
I personally consider that the dreadful degeneration in the current generation of youth today stems from a huge lack of respect brought on by all these rights they now have. They’ve a right to do everything except treat their elders with respect seemingly. Satan is out to destroy the youth of today for whatever reason (perhaps it’s the last generation before the Rapture?) and it’s so obvious - they’re all so angry and depressed, yet few could tell you why. They turn on anyone and everyone in authority and have little regard for the consequences of their actions, even when caught sometimes. And while smacking is banned here in the UK I note that those Christian parents who would still use it as a means of discipline have children who are SO different they do truly stand out - regardless of whether they’ve actually come to faith themselves or not. They are polite, respectful and a joy to be around. But they too suffer because of the tremendous peer pressure they are then put under precisely because they behave as they should unlike their friends. Children are having children and if they’ve not known true discipline in their own lives, will have no mission of passing on those lessons to their own children and so the trend worsens. I appreciate there is a need for caution and care where the likes of smacking is concerned, but I grew up with a father who used it judiciously and I absolutely learnt to respect my elders because I respected my father and loved him deeply for his discipline. However, I fear for my (step)daughter’s generation and younger unless the Lord does step in and change the course of this planet soon. Blessings, TKR
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July 26, 2007 at 11:00 pm
Ha Tikvah, I don’t disagree with you. I used to spank my kids and I was spanked as a child. The last time my dad spanked me was when, at the age of 17, I was late for my curfew, having driven home obviously drunk. I’ll never forget my father, coming up out of his Lazy Boy recliner and like a Rock-Em, Sock-Em Robot laying me out on the carpet. I had it coming, that I did. And he did get his point across.
My article really wasn’t about whether to spank or not to spank- just that (in my experience) I haven’t seen too much of a difference with the teen experience between Christians and non-Christian. Or even between the spanked and the non-spanked. Some of my friends experienced corporal punishment as children, some did not. For the life of me I can’t see a difference.
But you know, at times I think it can be the best response. Some kids (like me) are just too plain dumb to reason with.
BTW - I love your website. Beautiful. Everyone should read you testimony. Thanks for visiting us.
July 27, 2007 at 6:34 pm
I think that non-abusive parents of any faith or culture can raise decent human beings. There are Dobsonites who go to one extreme, so to speak; there are Spockites who may go to others.
July 27, 2007 at 10:54 pm
“I personally consider that the dreadful degeneration in the current generation of youth today stems from a huge lack of respect brought on by all these rights they now have.”
Personally, it’s a bit more complex than that. One of the biggest problems is that children tend to follow more by example than by word. Like the parent who says ‘don’t you @#*^ing dare say that bad word Billy!!’
In my experience (almost 40 years of it) the older generation do a poor job of setting the example of how to treat fellow humans with respect. They demand it from the ‘youth’ but fail to demonstrate it in return. We sow what we reap.
Many of those same children who were ‘beaten’ into respect in the 50’s are now some of the most discrespectful folks you’ll ever meet.
July 27, 2007 at 10:57 pm
“(perhaps it’s the last generation before the
Rapture?)”
What’s the hurry?
“unless the Lord does step in and change the course of this planet soon”
Maybe he already is… Hands and feet and all… Remember what the Jews were expecting in a Messiah… and they missed Him.
July 28, 2007 at 11:28 am
Maybe we have it wrong. We were given all of the resources and information–maybe God is waiting for us to “Get it” and stop killing eachother.
July 28, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Good point, Buddy. How many times are we cut off in traffic every day by someone who is pretty much just out for themselves? Rarely have I seen a young person doing it, they are still too nervous to start ignoring turn signals and safe distance techniques. But they will learn, we will teach them how to become bad drivers.
Have you ever held a door for someone and they not only don’t say thank you but they don’t even look you in the eye? I used to think these folks were just insecure but there are way too many of them. Now I think that it has just become too difficult for many people to show gratitude. It would require shifting their attention on to someone other than their selves.
(Hey, most people are polite and friendly - but there seems to be a pretty visible percentage who are not, and it only takes one apple….)
July 28, 2007 at 7:30 pm
In my former incarnation I was a spanker (not that I am above it now). My wife, for a Christmas present from The Women’s Ministry, received a small cutting board. The cutting board, as given by the women at the church, was intended as an instrument of corporal punishment. It was attached to a lovely note that said something like, “Use this in love” or “Use this lovingly.” The cutting board also came with a red ribbon.
When I first saw the cutting board–here to fore to be called a paddle–I was perplexed. I thought it was to encourage home cooking. My wife informed me that it was a paddle for disciplining our children. This made me livid. What? Encourage child abuse?
Later on I was talking with another lady from the church. She approved of the paddle. In fact she made the connection that beating her kids would prevent them from being incarcerated some day.
Well, I use the paddle several times, inflicting preventative medicine. I had another paddle, which was much longer. I also used a belt, a small stick (on which I wrote “The Rod of Reproof). Of course, there were the slaps, shoves, and other acts to drive foolishness from the hearts of my children.
I am not against corporal punishment, 100% of the time. I am against drawing an analogy that as the pruning sheers is to a gardener, so is the rod of correction to the parent.
After all of my years of parenting and teaching I leave discipline methods in the category of indecision. I don’t think violence is an answer–as I don’t think indulging children’s foolishness is right either. For my own children, we were harder on the first set (raised in the 80s and early 90s). I tried to be somewhat of a dobsonite. With child three, who came along when we were in our post 30 years, I was more lenient. Our life situation was not as stable, so maybe I did not want to endure the screams from saying no to her
(although I am learning to say no).
Our older children came out mixed. My daughter was rebellious to our rigid ways–but she is married and trying to be responsible. With her kids, others may spank, but I probably won’t. Our son has to learn to become responsible.
As a teacher, I had trouble dealing with disruptive students. I once had a student that was really out of control. Another teacher took him on, trying to be heroic (and to assert her superiority to me). He was a pain to her also.
If I had to do it again, I probably would have tried to play checkers with that young man. With my current bunch of students, many are beyond my scope to help due to the complexity of their problems.
Ambrosia
July 28, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Thanks for sharing, Logio. I too used to spank. My wife and I were discussing this last night and we both agreed that it probably accomplished little that was positive and if anything it did some harm.
For whatever reason we cannot get our children to see things our way so our final persuasive tactic is to beat them. What kind of message are we sending? What type of respect, what credibility are we building with them?
Later, when they are past the age in which our physical threats are meaningful, is it no wonder that we encounter these unbridgeable gaps in our relationships?
July 30, 2007 at 11:01 pm
Doesn’t it seem illogical that if I hit an adult, who may be able to defend himself (or herself) it is assault, but if I hit a defenseless child, it is discipine?
I am not saying I am above either, but if I had to do it again, I think there at least seven acts of hitting (or shoving) my kids I wish I could take back.
And by the way, there is no Bible verse that says “To spare the rod is to spoil the child.”
July 30, 2007 at 11:26 pm
Yeah, I knew that. It’s right up there with “God helps those who help themselves”.
http://www.blueletterbible.org/faq/sayings.html#helps